Pickles Will Kill You!

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucumis sativus posseses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds war and communism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the cucurbit family.

    For example ...
  • Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative.
  • 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
  • 99.8% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
  • 96.8% of all communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
  • 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.
  • 93.1% of all juvenile delinquents come from homes where pickles are served frequently.

    Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating:
  • Of all the people born in 1869 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality.
  • All pickle eaters born between 1879 and 1899 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight -- if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.
  • Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists: rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food was destroyed.
In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U.S. soil are devoted to growing pickles.

Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as they do with eating pickles.


Handley Math Humor Page

Handley Math Home Page