What did the statistics teacher say to her failing student?
        Answer: Look on the bright side -- you're in the top 90% of the class!

Statistics show that those who celebrate more birthdays live longer.

A statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in the freezer, and he will say that on average he feels fine.

A mother of three is pregnant with her fourth child.

One evening, the eldest child apporaches her dad and says, "Do you know what I learned today?"

"No, what?"

"Our new baby is going to be Chinese!"

"What?"

"That's right!" said the daughter.   "I read in the newspaper that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese!"

A statistics student accelerated before crossing every intersection.   His passenger finally asked, "Why do you go so fast through intersection?"

The student replied, "Statistically speaking, you're far more likely to have an accident at an intersection, so I try to spend less time there."

A statistics teacher distributes a 50 question true-false test to his students.   During the exam, the teacher notices one student at the back flipping a coin and writing down answers.   This goes on for two hours, and after all the other students have left, the student is still flipping a coin and writing down answers.

The teacher approaches the student and says, "Look, I know that you were unprepared and that you have been flipping a coin to determine the answers.   What I can't understand is why it is taking you so long?"

"Shhh," says the student, "I'm checking my answers."

Two statisticians were flying on a plane.   An hour into the flight, the pilot announces that they have lost an engine, but that they shouldn't worry because there are still three left.   However, instead of three hours, the trip will now take four hours.

A little later, the pilot announces that a second engine has failed, but there are still two left, only now it will now take six hours to get to their destination.

A little while later, the pilot announces that a third engine has gone out.   "Don't worry," he announces, because the plane can still fly safely with just one engine.   However, the trip will now take twelve hours.

At this point, one statistician turns to the other and says, "I sure hope we don't lose that last engine or we'll be up forever!"

Three statisticians went rabbit hunting one day.   While walking along, they scared a rabbit out of the brush and send him running.   The first statistician shot and there was a puff of dust 1 yard behind the rabbit.   The second shot next and there was a puff of dust one yard in front of the rabbit.   The third one yelled, "We got it!!"

The Lipton Company is big on statistics -- especially t-tests!

Love is never having to say you're sorry.   Statistics is never having to say you're certain.

A man who travels a lot was concerned about the possibility of a bomb on board his plane.   He determined the probability of this, found it to be low but not low enough for him, so now he always travels with a bomb in his suitcase.   He reasons that the probability of two bombs being on board would be infinitesimal.
        -- John Allen Paulos in his book Innumeracy

A daughter asked her father who had just turned ninety, and who had never shown any fear of death, if now he did not have some fear of dying.
He answered, "I have no fear.   Statistics prove that more people die under ninety than over ninety."

A statistics professor was completing what he thought was a very inspiring lecture on the importance of significance testing in today's world.   A young nursing student raised her hand and asked, "But sir, why do nurses have to take statistics?"

The professor thought for a moment and then said, "Because statistics saves lives!"

The nursing student was surprised but persisted in getting a better answer.   "But sir, please tell us how statistics saves lives."

"Well," the professor said angrily, "Statistics keeps idiots out of the nursing profession!"

Did you hear the one about the statistician?
        Answer: Probably....

Two homeless guys were sitting at a bar, lamenting how poor they were.
"I'm just so dirt poor," one of them said.

Just then, Bill Gates walked into the bar.

"Cheer up," said his friend.   "On average, everyone in this bar just became a billionaire."