What did the acorn say when he grew up?
        Answer: Geometry (Gee, I'm a tree!)

What are the most important things about a decimal point?
        Answer: Location!   Location!   Location!

Why is simplifying a fraction like powdering your nose?
        Answer: It improves the appearance without changing the value.

What is a parrot apt to do if he sees a cat?
        Answer: Polyhedron (Poly, He'd run!)

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
        Answer: Sir Cumference

What do you call an insect that's not feeling well?
        Answer: A secant (sick ant)

What is the opposite of a stop sign?
        Answer: A cosine. (A go sign!)

What do you call a parrot that should go on a diet?
        Answer: A polynomial (Poly, no meal!)

What branch of mathematics is studied by the very young?
        Answer: Topology.

What math is discussed between sea gulls?
        Answer: Integral Calculus (Inter-gull Calculus).

What do you call two bolas?
        Answer: A Parabola (A Pair o' Bola)

Why are huge chrysanthemums like some parabolas?
        Answer: Because they're both maximums.

What does a mathemaician read every Sunday morning?
        Answer: The Conic Section (The Comic section)

Why did they put the mathematician in prison?
        Answer: He tried to kil o meter.

Why is the meter stick such a stubborn ruler?
        Answer: Because he won't give an inch.

What will happen to the inch worm when we go to metric?
        Answer: He'll become a centipede.

Why is April 1st so tired?
        Answer: You'd be tired, too, after 31 days of March!

What do clowns do after April 30th?
        Answer: Matrix (May tricks)

What do mathematicians sleep on?
        Answer: Matrices, of course!

What do you get when you cross a pigeon and a zero?
        Answer: A Flying Nun!

Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
        Answer: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
        Answer: |elephant|*|banana|*sin(theta)

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
        Answer: It's undefined, since the mountain climber is a "scaler".

"How many seconds are there in a year?"
        Answer: "Twelve. January second, February second, March second, ..."

How do we know that the following fractions are in Europe? A/C, X/C and W/C ?
        Answer: Because their numerators are all over C's. Why was six afraid of seven?
        Answer: Because 7 8 9.         ... Did 7 have Pi for dessert?
(submitted by Roxanne Eckenrode)

How do you make seven even?
        Answer: Take away the s.

What did 0 say to 8??
        Answer: Nice belt.

What did one math book say to the other?
        Answer: Don't bother me! I've got my own problems!

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
        Answer: To get to the other ... er, um ...

How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
        Answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

Did you hear the one about the statistician?
        Answer: Probably....

Why do mathematicians like national parks?
        Answer: Because of the natural logs.

What does trigonometry have in common with a beach?
        Answer: Tan Gents

How do hearing impared people greet one another?
        Answer: They sine waves.
(For a microwave you just use your pinky.)

How many mathematical logicians does it take to replace a lightbulb??
        Answer: None: They can't do it, but they can prove that it can be done.

How many numerical analysts does it take to replace a lightbulb??
        Answer: 3.9967: (after six iterations).

How many classical geometers does it take to replace a lightbulb??
        Answer: None: You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.

How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb??
        Answer: None.   It is left to the reader as an exercise.

How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb??
        Answer: The answer is obvious.

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest?
        Answer: A high-pot-in-use

What do you call a broken record?
        Answer: A Decca-gone

What kind of insect is good at math?
        Answer: The account-ant.

After a big meal together, ask someone: What is the square root of -1/64?
        Answer: I overate (or i/8)

Can an English major learn Math?
        Answer: Cosecant!       (Course he can't)

What is 8 divided in two parts?
        Answer: Vertically it is 3,   horizontally it is 0.

How do you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia?
        Answer: They make you an offer that you can't understand.

What insect is good with numbers?
        Answer: An account-ant.

What is the sine of 40?
        Answer: Saying things like, "When I was your age ..."

What keeps a square in place?
        Answer: Square roots.

What is the only known cure for a bad case of right angles?
        Answer: Pythagorean serum.

What did the statistics teacher say to her failing student?
        Answer: Look on the bright side -- you're in the top 90% of the class!

What is the volume of a disk with radius z and height a?
        Answer: Pi z z a!

How does a mathematician reprimand his children?
        Answer: If I've told you n times, I have told you n + 1 times ... !

Why do mathematicians often confuse Halloween and Christmas?
        Answer: Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Why didn't the two 4's want dinner?
        Answer: Because they already 8.

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
        Answer: She didn't know which ONE came first...

Where do math teachers go on vacation?
        Answer: Times Square.

In 2013, several counties in Colorado considered seceding from the state and forming a 51st state.     Why does the United States need 53 states?
        Answer: So it can be indivisible (53 is a prime). -- from Justin Zablocki

Why can't you pour root beer into a square glass?
        Answer: Because you will just have beer. -- from Justin Zablocki

A farmer has three fields.   One of them has 3 bundles of hay, another has 4, and the last has 5.   How many would he have in the first field if he combined all of them in that field?
        Answer: Just one, he combined them all.